Teddy Kennedy

I do not believe in the "rule" that we ought not speak ill of the dead. For example, people speak ill of Hitler all the time. So, to the extent that there is a "rule," it's should at least be based on an evenhanded weighing of the facts.

With that in mind, I present a article on that big fat drunken murdering lout, Edward Kennedy:

Brasserie I: In December 1985, just before he announced he would run for president in 1988, Kennedy allegedly manhandled a pretty young woman employed as a Brasserie waitress. The woman, Carla Gaviglio, declined to be quoted in this article, but says the following account, a similar version of which first appeared in Penthouse last year, is full and accurate:

It is after midnight and Kennedy and [Senator Chris] Dodd [D - CT]are just finishing up a long dinner in a private room on the first floor of the restaurant’s annex. They are drunk. Their dates, two very young blondes, leave the table to go to the bathroom. (The dates are drunk too. “They’d always get their girls very, very drunk,” says a former Brasserie waitress.) Betty Loh, who served the foursome, also leaves the room. Raymond Campet, the co-owner of La Brasserie, tells Gaviglio the senators want to see her.

As Gaviglio enters the room, the six-foot-two, 225-plus-pound Kennedy grabs the five-foot-three, 103-pound waitress and throws her on the table. She lands on her back, scattering crystal, plates and cutlery and the lit candles. Several glasses and a crystal candlestick are broken. Kennedy then picks her up from the table and throws her on Dodd, who is sprawled in a chair. With Gaviglio on Dodd’s lap, Kennedy jumps on top and begins rubbing his genital area against hers, supporting his weight on the arms of the chair. As he is doing this, Loh enters the room. She and Gaviglio both scream, drawing one or two dishwashers. Startled, Kennedy leaps up. He laughs. Bruised, shaken and angry over what she considered a sexual assault, Gaviglio runs from the room. Kennedy, Dodd and their dates leave shortly thereafter, following a friendly argument between the senators over the check.

This incident is known as "The waitress sandwich."

The Danes Lose at Life

"A walking helmet is a good helmet."

It is now the official policy of the Danish government to encourage their citizens to wear a fucking helmet on their head all day long. Technically, they're encouraging all pedestrians to wear a helmet. But if you want to get technical, you're a pedestrian anytime you're in public and not on motorized transportation. Shit, they suggest that bicyclists just keep their helmet on all day long.

This has the added benefit of discouraging discrimination against retards. Here in good ol' U.S. of A., when we see adults walking about with helmets, we think they suffer from so serious a cognitive impairment that they can not focus on both avoiding hitting a tree branch and a car at the same time. And that's racist, obviously. Or retardist.

I'll suggest a more positive billboard sign to you guys....

"The best Danish is a Cheese Danish!"

Brandon Lee Can Recognize You

NPR says crows can remember human faces and tell other crows whether you're cool (feed it) or a dick (capture and tag crows).

They further say that even though crows can distinguish between and remember individual humans, humans can not do the same for crows.

Humans are "crow-ist" that way and think all crows "look the same."

Since I'm 1/4 crow (from my crow-mama's side), I can tell the difference. And of course, I'm deeply offended that y'all can not.

Ghost Job: Flamboasting the Nation

An article in Psychology Today discusses ghost jobs:

What's a Ghost job? As our good friend put it, it's a job that's not a part of your bigger career aspirations, but one that will certainly tie you over and cover the bills for now. It's the job you took with the intent of leaving when the job market picks up again, whenever it picks up again. Most importantly, it's also the job that stays off the resume.

They explain why they're discussing this topic:

Our hope in writing this Ghost Job blog is that we bring attention to the reality that many people are facing today so that hiring managers and organizations will acknowledge and welcome resumes with jobs that may seem out of place. This would acknowledge the character building that such an experience requires from a person.

An astute commenter replies:

I used to be in operations for RJR Nabisco: Oreo Division. Not a single Oreo would come off the line w/o me personally licking the cream filling to make sure it lived up to our customers high Oreo standards. However, the strain of licking 1200 creamy fillings an hour (that's what she said!) and the Bush-driven economy have conspired to leave me unemployed.

I have since moved to Woakyland to try my hand at flamboasting and slumlawding! No need to wish me luck, my medium-large sized pimp skills are proving more than sufficient to insure that this brotha never need holla back.

Onward and upward, or, as they say in my hood, "Tally ho, bitch!"

Quoted for Truth

Faster Please: The Imploding California Edition

I love the stories of CA's demise. Finally, as one famous presidential spiritual advisor put it, the chickens are coming home to roooooooooost.

After hiking our taxes, the state legislature asked us to vote ourselves another tax increase. Californians, in a rare outburst of common sense, voted against increasing their own taxes. The pro-tax side (unions, et. al.) outspent the anti-tax side by a 10-1 margin and still lost. After decades of craven and misguided policies, our wise solons in Sacramento are finally starting to feel some pain.

Granted, it's nothing like the pain Maria Consuela Guitierrez feels every single second of her waking life. You see, Ms. Guitierrez is what is now called an "undocumented American." Just like you and me, minus the documents and plus the treacherous desert passage to El Norte. Just like me, trying to raise her 6 kids (one is autistic) by 3 fathers; all the while, tremerous w/ fear, she lives life in the shadows, afraid of deportation due solely to her prior felony conviction (she was drunk, doesn't really remember, plus, details pollute the narrative).

She has said as much, or at least tried to; she doesn't speak English. Or Spanish. She speaks Texaquilquo, the native tounge of a small Northwestern Mexican village. Her pain is unique and exceptional (except for the 5 billion other people who have it worse); the sine qua non, if you will, for the existence of the Democratic party in California.

For only they can feel her pain, and the pain of those similarly situated. Only they possess the empathy and intellect to propose innovative policy solutions (take money from me, give to Maria, keep a cut for self) to these unique problems (OMG! Somebody's poor!) that are to everyone's satisfaction.

By the way, the picture is of Karen Bass. Assembly Speaker for the great state of CA. I double-dooky-spacedog-dare you to guess what her career was prior to "public service."

Community Organizer.

Everything Old is New Again: "The One" Edition

Cap and trade, universal health care, economic "stimulus", 28 "czars" and counting: all done in our name, for our own good, and in only his first 6 months!

If only there were some historical parallels; or some commentary on the matter expressed more eloquently by someone much smarter than me.

Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

— C.S. Lewis

There you go; I knew I'd find it.

Andy Roddick is the Best Tennis Player to Ever Live

He may not win much at tennis. In fact, he's pretty shitty.

But Andy Roddick WINS AT LIFE!

Here's how they met:

The couple met in 2007 when Roddick asked his agent to contact Decker's agent after seeing her in SI.

I told my agent to contact her agent also. In 2006. So technically, she should be married to me. I have since fired my agent.

I Am Chatting with a Live Person

Below is the lightly-edited (only names have been changed) transcript of my chat w/ a LivePerson:

Chat InformationPlease wait for a Chat Consultant to respond. Your wait time will be approximately 0 minute(s) and 3 second(s).

Chat InformationWelcome to QuickBooks Sales Chat. You are now chatting with 'Christopher ("Apu")'. I'll be your QuickBooks Business Consultant. How can I help you today?

Christopher ("Apu"): Hi, this is Christopher ("Apu"). Thank you for choosing to chat with me today. How may I assist you?

you (Gen. Sir Charles Napier): Hi Chris,

Christopher ("Apu"): Hello!

you (Gen. Sir Charles Napier): My business partner and I are purchasing properties in Oakland as rental income investment buys. We both live in LA, but pretty far from each other. We both need access to the information in quickbooks, but only one person will be managing it. Should we get Quicken Prop Manager, QB Pro, or QB Pro 2 user?

Christopher ("Apu"): I would be happy to assist you with that today! May I have your name please?

you (Gen. Sir Charles Napier): Gen. Sir Charles Napier:

Christopher ("Apu"): Pleased to meet you online Gen. Sir Charles Napier:!

you (Gen. Sir Charles Napier): thank you, same here

Christopher ("Apu"): It would be better to just have the Pro 2009 1 User License then one of you will just remotely access the program.

you (Gen. Sir Charles Napier): If we go with that, can we each install it on our own computers?

Christopher ("Apu"): With QuickBooks Remote Access, you can access your computer remotely from another location. For example, if you go on a business trip with your laptop and need to access your company file on your desktop PC, you can access the desktop PC through QuickBooks Remote Access. You don't have to have QuickBooks installed on your laptop, just leave your desktop computer running while you are away. Internet access is required for both the desktop computer and the laptop.

Christopher ("Apu"): That means that only one of you needs to have QuickBooks.

you (Gen. Sir Charles Napier): Does QB Remote access have the same functionality as QB on the desktop?

you (Gen. Sir Charles Napier): Is it a web based interface or thick client?

Christopher ("Apu"): Absolutely! You can either work on QuickBooks. I recommend either of you you needs to have QuickBooks should have the program.

you (Gen. Sir Charles Napier): so QB R/A is a web based app?

Christopher ("Apu"): That is correct.

you (Gen. Sir Charles Napier): If I have an installed copy of QB Pro, can I use that to access the file? Instead of the web?

Christopher ("Apu"): You will have to share a backup of file.

Christopher ("Apu"): It will not update automatically.

you (Gen. Sir Charles Napier): ok... so this is much better than quicken prop manager, correct?

Christopher ("Apu"): I apologize, but I do not know that program.

Christopher ("Apu"): I have not heard from you for a few moments. Do you have a question that I may answer for you today?

Christopher ("Apu"): Since I have not heard from you for some time, I will now end this chat. Please do not hesitate to chat with us again if we can be of further assistance. Have a nice day!

Chat InformationChat session has been terminated by the Chat Consultant.

I deem this somewhat helpful. Just enough that I'll probably use LivePerson again.

On Perks and Non-Perks: The Non-Perk Edition

Employers typically have some perks that they provide employees; a well-stocked breakroom for example.

Today, I want to highlight a non-perk: Being forced to watch Harvey Keitel masturbate repeatedly because a co-worker is QC'ing The Bad Lieutenant and keeps yelling, "Hey, you gotta check this out!"

PS: I spent 30 seconds trying to ruin your life by posting an image from the movie. I failed.

AFGHAN VILLAGERS RIOT OVER SHORTAGE OF DAILY ESSENTIALS: FALAFEL, DONKEYS, AND MAN-SERVANTS

The AP is reporting that locals in the Afghan town of Peshawar have begun rioting over the lack of essentials that they blame on the US-led coalition forces.

"Where is my donkeeeeeeeeeeey?" wails Abdul bin al Shawari? "Without my donkey, how can I pay for my 8th wife?"

The complaints of bin al Shawari (pictured above w/ wife #4) are not uncommon in this village. Since the fall of Kabul, residents of Peshawar have dealt with an alarming lack of security in the once peaceful desert oasis. Compounding the unstable situations is the lack of Falafels; the main source of food for most.

"My Falafel tree has stopped producing this year. George W. Bush has sprayed an anti-Falafel pesticide on my crop," says Mohammed "don't call me Mahmoud" Zawahiri through an interpreter.

Read more...

What's This In My Garden?

Can you name this bug?

When working the soil of my garden I occassionally uproot th is disgusting bug that I've been told is a grub.  It's about 2/3 the size of a man's pinky and will explode if hurled from a garden spade against a brick wall.  If left out on a small plastic cup in the sun it will soon shrivel up and die.  The former is much more satisfying but messier.

It will also produce all manner of problems with your plants root system.

I Revoke David Brooks Pundit License

David Brooks, a one-time respected conservative pundit, must simply be mailing it in.  Based solely on the first sentence of his column on the Harlem Miracle, his license is hereby suspended.  

Sayeth Mr. Brooks:

The fight against poverty produces great programs but disappointing results.

Did Mr. Brooks forget that the proper measure of any program should be based primarily on the extent to which it achieves its stated goals?  Thus, programs designed and implemented for the express purpose of reducing poverty should actually reduce poverty.  The standard conservative belief is that the intentions behind a program matter very little when compared to the actual results.  The liberal conceit is to invest greater weight in the goodhearted intent behind the panoply of failed social programs.

 

There is typically little that is "great" about any program that produces "disappointing results," except for those whom it affords the ability to flex their moral superiority. 

Hostage and Ransom in Cyberspace

This is the first time I've heard of something like this happening:

Hackers last week broke into a Virginia state Web site used by pharmacists to track prescription drug abuse. They deleted records on more than 8 million patients and replaced the site's homepage with a ransom note demanding $10 million for the return of the records, according to a posting on Wikileaks.org, an online clearinghouse for leaked documents.

On Thursday, April 30, the secure site for the Virginia Prescription Monitoring Program (PMP) was replaced with a $US10M ransom demand:

"I have your shit! In *my* possession, right now, are 8,257,378 patient records and a total of 35,548,087 prescriptions. Also, I made an encrypted backup and deleted the original. Unfortunately for Virginia, their backups seem to have gone missing, too. Uhoh :(For $10 million, I will gladly send along the password."

We are fucked.  Welcome to the modern world.

LUNCH: 5/11/09 (Monday)

Rules are the same... under $20.  Today's menu is: 17th Street Cafe.

I chose 449

Losing Bets About Spring

I bet a colleague that Spring had not officially started. We agreed to use the NOAA site as an authoritative source.

So sayeth the NOAA:

The first day of Spring will be a breezy one, as the low pressure that moved
through last evening deepens in New England. This will create a breezy Northwest
wind, but also help to clear the skies over the Southeast. It will be seasonably
cool, with highs in the 30s and 40s.Spring Officially began at 148 AM EDT today
(March 20th).

I am $0.88 poorer as a result. However, given that wikisomething says Spring typically begins between March 19 - March 23, if we assume an equiprobable distribution, my wager was +EV.

DVD Piracy is a National Security Issue

Who'd have thunk it?

A new report from global think tank RAND Corp. for the Motion Picture Assn. ties DVD piracy to organized crime and terrorism in North America, Europe, Asia
and the Middle East.
The reason, researchers say, is that bootleg movies
have a higher profit margin than narcotics and minimal risk of enforcement.

Some of the examples are fascinating. Like this one: “The tri-border area
of Brazil, Argentina and Paraguay has emerged as the most important financing center for Islamic terrorism outside the Middle East, channeling $20 million
annually to Hezbollah. At least one transfer of $3.5 million was donated by known DVD pirate Assad Ahmad Barakat, who received a thank-you note from the Hezbollah leader.”

Allahu Akhbar, anyone? Inshallah.

Municipal Free Wireless Fails

On NPR, I heard a story about the failure of advertising based free WiFi in the Silicon Valley.

I'm gonna guess that folks who either can not afford or do not value hi speed internet at more than $1.50 per day are not an attractive demographic to advertisers.

I am ready to receive my MacArthur Fellowship now, thank you.

Web Master!

I am making a web site for the world wide web. I'm going global, baby!

The following comic illustrates my approach:

Science Says: Gaydar is Real

Don't blame me. It's only science.

TV Punditry

Neoliberal maxipad Slate has an article titled: Don't Worry About Conan: He's Going to be Great as the Tonight Show Host.

ATTENTION YOU BUTTMUNCHING ASSCLOWNS: CONAN HAS BEEN ON TV FOR OVER 10 FUCKING YEARS AS A LATE NIGHT HOST. HE HAS DONE THOUSANDS OF SHOWS. THERE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH DATA TO DETERMINE HOW HE WILL PERFROM.

JESUS CHRIST BEN MATHIS-LILLY, BUY A FUCKING CLUE!

TRIP REPORT: 8th Floor

Per this post, I am back with results.

And they are: Meh.

Media Bias: Sexist Math Edition

The wise men of our press corp reported this story recently:

The AP originally reported that Figge swam from the Cape Verde Islands off the coast of Africa to Trinidad (2,100 miles) in 25 days while escorted by a boat. She was said to have rested every night and hopped back in the water in the morning.

Figge woke most days around 7 a.m., eating pasta and baked potatoes while she and the crew assessed the weather. Her longest stint in the water was about eight hours, and her shortest was 21 minutes.

I hate math too; it's the pseudo-science foisted by the regnant patriarchy. But let's deconstruct what this so-called "math" would have us believe.

Figge swam 25 days at 8 hours maximum per day. 25 x 8 = 200 so she swam for a total time of 200 hours. During those 200 hours she covered a distance of 2,100 miles. Also, some sexist pig named Newton (who names they're kid after a cookie anyway?) "claimes" that velocity = distance/time; or v = d/t. Well, if that's true then Figge's velocity is 2,100 miles/200 hours.

Or 10.5 miles per hour. That's a 5:42 per mile; about as fast as a world class marathon runner. We know that the fastest a man can swim is about 5 mph.

So, the choice is yours. What are you going to believe?

That a beautiful, unreconstructed and unashamed feminist women swam the Atlantic at a pace double that any man can swim or the mysoginist sports press that so often seeks to denigrate and destroy women who achieve (and hence, threaten) in their little world?

Yeah, me too. I can't wait for Figge to swim around the entire world! With a little training, it should only take her about 2 months. Womyns 4-evah!

Walmart

Where a kid can be a kid. Or an aging journalist can report.

And so we came to the Wal-Mart Pledge. Solemnly, each of us raised one hand and intoned: "If a customer comes within 10 feet of me, I'm going to look him in the eye, smile and greet him." Having pledged ourselves, we encountered the aspect of Wal-Mart employment that impressed me most: The Telxon, pronounced "Telzon," a hand-held bar-code scanner with a wireless connection to the store's computer. When pointed at any product, the Telxon would reveal astonishing amounts of information: the quantity that should be on the shelf, the availability from the nearest warehouse, the retail price, and (most amazing of all) the markup.

All of us were given access to this information, because - in theory, at least - anyone in the store could order a couple extra pallets of anything, and could discount it heavily as a Volume Producing Item (known as a VPI), competing with other departments to rack up the most profitable sales each month. Floor clerks even had portable equipment to print their own price stickers. This was how Wal-Mart detected demand and responded to it: by distributing decision-making power to grass-roots level. It was as simple yet as radical as that.

We received an inspirational talk on this subject, from an employee who reacted after the store test-marketed tents that could protect cars for people who didn't have enough garage space. They sold out quickly, and several customers came in asking for more. Clearly this was a singular, exceptional case of word-of-mouth, so he ordered literally a truckload of tent-garages, "Which I shouldn't have done really without asking someone," he said with a shrug, "because I hadn't been working at the store for long." But the item was a huge success. His VPI was the biggest in store history - and that kind of thing doesn't go unnoticed in Arkansas.

He was invited to corporate HQ as a guest at a management conference. "It was totally different from what I expected," he told us. "I thought it would be these fatcats talking about money, but no one even mentioned money. All they cared about was finding new ways to satisfy customers. I met everyone including the chairman of the company."

These are obvious lies; their only purpose is to perpetuate the false consciousness that we as a country are in the collective grip of.

Today's that day

I'm gonna use that 8th floor RR. See for myself what the fuss is all about.

The day is long

A colleague suggests I venture up to the 8th floor.